It’s time for me to re-emerge from my self-induced absence. Hello there reader. I have returned. It’s been over a year since I have posted anything, and it is safe to say I am pretty ashamed of myself. It isn’t that I haven’t had ideas for posts. I have had tons. But I haven’t been confident enough to post in a while, and my life has seemingly been taken up by nothing. Has that ever happened to you before? A period of time in which nothing is happening and yet everything is at the same time. I am sure I am not the only one, or maybe I am just a rambling and crazed lunatic.
Sure, I was busy for some time. I was busy worrying about friends who were struggling and busy trying to help them through some dark places. I was busy attempting to complete a Masters at the same time whilst also struggling myself. I was busy trying to juggle everything and everyone, and I slowly saw every passion in my life slip out of view. So, when it finally came time to move back home, I isolated myself. Because hermits don’t have issues, right? I took the wrong lesson from Elijah. I went into the wilderness because I wanted to be alone. Somehow, even though I managed to do everything I wanted to do, I still felt like I had achieved nothing. Once my journey at Uni came to an end I started to shut myself off from everything to do with it.
This isn’t a new tactic of mine. I have done it countless times before. But what was different this time was that the new chapter of my life wasn’t bright and sparkling. If there was to be newness I had to seek it myself off the back of everything I had previously done, and I didn’t want to do that. It was so much easier to just slip back into old habits that I seemingly rejected all the growth I had gone through. And that, my friends, is the stupidest thing you can do. When you have been fighting to accept yourself and help others to accept themselves, you shouldn’t back track from it. Falling backwards is something I deeply regret.
To see people I love and care for from Uni now is always hard. And it isn’t because I compare myself to their successes. It’s that when they ask me the inevitable ‘What has been going on with you?’ I have no new answer, no matter how long it has been since I have seen them. I have done seemingly nothing with my time, yet I still can’t find time for anything I love. And that is not a good position to be in, but I know that I am not alone. It’s all about my mentality. Because there isn’t any actual reason for it.
In 1 Kings 19, a story which I always return to, Elijah has just done the most incredible thing by proving the power of his God. Yet, immediately after the fact, he runs away into the wilderness and gives himself up to death. When, in a cave:
‘A great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.’ (1 Kings 19: 11-12)
It is in that whisper that Elijah heard God. I am not claiming that I have heard any audible voice from God in my wilderness time. Indeed, I am not even attempting to equate myself to Elijah. But I understand his circumstance. After we complete our aspirations we often feel a sense of emptiness. Because when we seek material aspirations, whether it be earning tons of cash, or simply being able to put extra letters after our name, we never actually gain any sense of completeness. The only time I have ever felt content is when I am being myself, and have been with those I care about. And I lost sight of that. We often pressure ourselves to move on to the next big thing, and for me, right now, that is finding a career and also finding relationship. But what if I don’t need that or want it immediately?
I am content with where I am, and I want to rediscover all those things I am passionate about that make me me, and hold on to those friendships which are so important to me that I have neglected. Sure, I will continue looking for the more permanent goals in life, but they aren’t the things my existence is soully based upon. I want to live life out of love, not out of necessity. I want to become independent in my own time and by my own means. I want to apply for things I am interested in and not just for any opportunity that is open. I want to be myself, not some boring clone of a socially accepted stereotypical twenty something. We shouldn’t live our lives like that. Sure I want those things for myself, but I want them to come around when I am ready, and I want them to be the right things for that moment.
So this is me back from the wilderness. Searching for my passions. Searching for the future. Reaching back out to those I have neglected. Being more myself. As a catalyst for this, I aim to blog more regularly, both here and on my new blog ‘Shelf Confidence’, where I aim to read more. I want to be an open page. I want to write a new chapter for my life which I hope will be more uplifting, and not some Thomas Hardy-esque darkness. (Although his books are a favourite of mine.) It’s time to live in the light once more. Because gurl…
YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP BEING YOU.
Fay Dragon 