This blog has been a pipe-dream of mine for almost a year now, but I never had the courage to write and post anything. I was not overly sure what was holding me back, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to write anything. A friend of mine has been continuously encouraging me saying: “Do it! You have something to say! I believe only good can come out of what you have to say and that you have the ability to spread joy and encourage others.” But for some reason I always found an excuse to not write. There shouldn’t be an excuse, because writing comes so naturally to me. I find it much easier to write about my feelings and thoughts than to express them vocally, so blogging should just be like breathing to me. So, what has been holding me back? Well, I guess it is simple. I was afraid.
On my course we are trained to think, read and write analytically. Further, we are taught that for a text to be read well, it must be separated from its authorship. This is a theory proposed by Roland Barthes in his essay ‘The Death of the Author.’ Barthes argues that once a text is written, it becomes its own being. It is no longer defined by its creator, the author, and therefore cannot be controlled by it. The theory is based in the old literary theories which state that the author pre-exists the text, conceives the text through the formulation of the idea and its writing, and births the text through publication. The older theories further state that the author can also exist concurrently with the text. The text is subject to its author and cannot be separated wholly, which leads to the discussion of the purpose of the author. Barthes theory allows literary critics and theorists to ask these questions of the text. The text is its own autonomous being. The autonomy of the text ultimately spells ‘The Death of the Author.’
This theory, plus many other literary theories which are discussed in my classes, call into question my anxieties as a writer. Namely, how can I write a blog expressing my innermost thoughts and emotions, if by the nature of me publishing it online it gains a life of its own that I no longer control. I give life to all those fears and worries, and those anxieties outlive me. These then gain a sort of free-will, that is a free-will to be interpreted by anybody with the ability to read and use a computer in whatever way they wish. It has an ability to impact them however it pleases. Why would I allow myself to be vulnerable online if that very vulnerability can become a manifest being? No longer is my blog just a representation of myself, but it is also now its own being, made of all my anxieties and everything I see in myself that is wrong. It represents everything about the human condition that I seemingly hate. Like Frankenstein I have created a monster with thoughts, feelings and emotions of its own, but is full of self-hatred, fear and the prospect that all life is pain.
But maybe I am reading too much into this theory (yes, I am!) Maybe my real fear is the fear that either no one will read my blog or care what I have to say. Maybe it is my fear of being misread which drives my fear of not being read at all. All these fears are ultimately based in the deep-rooted anxiety and worry that I have no purpose in my life, and life has no meaning anyway, so what is the point? My worries and anxieties prevent me from stepping into my full potential and embracing my full identity, both the broken parts and the beautiful parts. My fears are so innate to my being that I cannot separate them from myself. By manifesting everything that concerns me, all my fears, I only give them more power. What if I give them so much power over me that I become the literal embodiment of fear itself?
So how do I deal with this? Firstly, I am a Christian. Yes, this is the moment where I go all preachy on you, if I haven’t done so already. But if you don’t believe in God, please don’t stop reading. I am not forcing my faith down your throat, it is just something I care deeply about, so of course if this blog is truly a representation of me, it will become manifest in my blog. So, what does my faith tell me about worrying and fear? Well in Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus says:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Now how do I respond to this? Well firstly, I want to scream “But Jesus, that is all well and good. But how do you know what I am going through? You went around the Middle East preaching and healing, but at the end of the day someone always offered you a meal or somewhere to sleep, because you were famous. For them it was a privilege. Maybe they bragged about it to their neighbours. How they had the great Jesus of Galilee in their house. How can you relate to me? I am a single twenty-two-year-old female student with barely any money to my name. I apply for jobs, but I face constant rejection. I don’t have enough money to buy new clothes. I don’t know if I will have the money to pay for food next year. How can you tell me not to worry?”
After this rant is over, however, I have some clarity. Yes, Jesus was a travelling preacher, but he lived humbly. He was willing to accept charity. He didn’t boast in his fame and gifts or complain in his failings and wants. In modern terms he was a sofa-surfer who would tell stories, parables and give lessons, and then heal the sick. So, is that the model of life that Jesus wishes me to live? The answer is no. Well, partly no. What Jesus is calling us to here is to live without fear and worry, not to forget our needs. To live in the now. To seek God. To live in our current troubles but not to be consumed by them. To live in love and to live humbly. To accept people’s charity. To find community. To find a community willing to journey through our fears with us. To surround ourselves with people who not only encourage us in our talents and the calling of our lives, but also those who are willing to dig in the mud and uproot those things in our lives which hold us back; those fears, those worries. If we live in the now and live out of compassion for others, admit to our fears and live in vulnerability, then worry will cease to be an issue. Not that we will not worry, but that its control on us will begin to dissipate.
So, what can we draw from this? Well as a Christian, I see an essential lesson. Do not allow yourself to be ruled by fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety can only lead you to a place of destruction and darkness. You may feel you are nothing, have nothing and will amount to nothing, but this is not the truth spoken over us by the Bible or by God. So, go out, find a community, whether that is a church or just a community group, who will help you grow, and who you in turn can help grow. Remember you are not alone, and you never will be. There are people all over the world you can call family. If that family is truly following in God’s teaching, then that family is there for you and wants you to prosper, as they wish to seek God’s kingdom without fear of the future. Share with them your fears and anxieties. Sure, vulnerability is painful, but it is better than living in constant fear. Remember that God can shine a light in every darkness. There is never an exception. Not even you. And remember what it says in Philippians 4:6-7:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Do not let anxiety hold you back. Pray, and God will provide what is best for you. This is easier said than done I realise. But sometimes God provides for us in ways we do not expect. It may be through people who love and care about us or through other channels.
If you are not a Christian, well, simply, do not live in fear of tomorrow, if that could ever be simple. Find yourself a community. Invest in those people. So much of our modern lives are wrapped up in our own gratification that there is no wonder that people die of loneliness, stress and anxiety. Find a group to love on that will love on you. Live in community. Be open in your anxieties. Be encouraged in your talents.
Essentially, what I am saying to myself here is the time is NOW! Post this blog. Take the leap. Live out your gifting. Hear what your community has been telling you for almost a year. You are gifted. Don’t let fear of ridicule control you, or fear of your studies becoming true and transforming your words to something awful, or the worry of provision consume you to the point where all your time is used up and wasted. Live out your life in the freedom you are called to. Because if you are crippled by the worries of the flesh or the fear of ridicule, then how can you possibly achieve anything and live a fruitful life?
I am saying to you, and to myself, today that I believe in you. Worry does not control you. You are precious. You are loved. You are talented. You can achieve. You may not have everything but grasp on to what you have and relish in it. Because gurl…
YOU ARE MORE THAN FEAR.
Fay Dragon 