I have been debating with myself all day whether to make this blog or not. Not because I was against it’s sentiment or worried that it would be vacuous, but because I was aware that others were already criticising the issue. But now I realise that just because it has already been said, doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth repeating.

This past week has felt like my heart and soul has been shattered. We live in 2020, almost sixty years after the civil rights movement in America, and yet still racism and discrimination exists, both in the US and here in the UK. When the protests and riots originally started it reminded me of the death of Mark Duggan in 2011 and the riots that followed. Yet here we are again. Still living in a world in which the colour of your skin can be a death sentence.

There are many things that have outraged me, one of them being that there are still many people who are ignorant to the issue. People have been saying ‘well I haven’t seen or experienced racial discrimination myself, so therefore it mustn’t exist’. By the same token I could suggest that the Statue of Liberty doesn’t exist because I have never seen it. Others have said ‘if this were truly an issue, then why has no one done anything about it.’ This argument baffles me because it suggests that inaction on an issue in a political sphere implies that the issue is unimportant. It devalues any kind of future protest, whether legitimate or otherwise. What I don’t understand is that somehow this issue has become political. It should be a common sense issue. We’re all human. No one should be born with less rights than another. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

The thing that has annoyed me most, however, and prompted me to write this, was an image I saw last night and the story behind it. That is the image of the President of the United States holding up a Bible in front of a Church after announcing he wanted military presence on the streets and teargassing peaceful protestors for a photo opportunity. It struck me that in this one image you can clearly see Trump’s true motives, something which I don’t think he has made any intention of hiding. All that matters to him is numbers. Because if he actually opened his Bible rather than holding it closed he would realise that it preaches for love, justice, and compassion. That the Christian faith is rooted in acceptance and is for all people regardless of anything that separates us. This is the same message being held up by the peaceful protestors on their placards which he teargassed.

He believed in this moment that he could weaponize the Bible and an entire faith community against a movement which at it’s very core it should support. He has repeatedly politicised Christianity and faith throughout his presidency. He discusses it when it suits him. When he needs a boost in the polls from his largely Evangelical base he does things like this. I am not going to pretend to know whether or not he actually believes, but his actions would suggest that he doesn’t care.

It is my personal belief that if Christ were here today he would be out on the streets with the peaceful protestors. He would empathise with their experience. He would act with compassion towards them. He would stand alongside them. When I look at the image of Trump holding a Bible I do not see Christ there. I see Christ in the images of law enforcement officers reconciling with and standing in solidarity with protestors. I see Christ in images of white and POC protestors standing side by side. Because Christ did not preach violence. The message of the Bible isn’t about division. As Christians we should stand up against all forms of discrimination because the Bible calls for us to advocate for all.

I may not be able to relate to the experiences of POC. I have grown up in a privileged position because I am white, and I was born into a society and country which favours me for the colour of my skin. But I want to live in a world in which no one person is discriminated against because of the colour of their skin, or their gender, or their sexuality, or their faith, or any other reason. I believe this because I am a Christian. Because it is what the Bible tells us. And because I believe that it should be the goal of all people to strive to make the world better for future generations whatever they believe.

Reading too much into a Facebook chain post

As everybody has been locked in their homes for a while now, there has been an upsurge in chain posts spreading positive messages on Facebook. In normal life I would ignore them completely. Mainly because I don’t like following along with a crowd (I prefer to swim at my own pace and in my own direction, so don’t expect me to blindly follow) , but also because I think they come across as disingenuous. In fact I dislike them as a whole so much that I normally skim over them all together. But I suppose that some people are using them to spread a message of positivity and to connect/reconnect with others, so I am not going to dump all over them. Instead, I am going to propose some simple alterations to one post which I don’t think I fully appreciated being tagged in. I know a lot of my friends posted this is a particular post, and this is not me criticising you in anyway. In fact I appreciate that you tagged me in the post, I just may have read too heavily into the message behind it.

The particular post I am speaking about is one which encourages you to post one photo of yourself, and then tag all the beautiful women you know. So far so good. It is definitely important that we build each other up and recognise beauty in all it’s forms: because we are all beautiful, whether or not we live up to the norm perpetuated in the media. It’s our uniqueness that makes us beautiful, not our similarities. However, the one sentence I took issue with was:

Too often, women find it easier to criticize each other instead of building each other up.

Ummmm, who made the original post writer the supreme judge of all womankind? Since when were they the ultimate expert on whether I find it easier to criticize others? Perhaps I get too outraged by silly posts on social media, but this is not my experience of women AT ALL! Sure, sometimes when we get angry or are in a bad mood, we decide to take a disliking to someone, or we take out our own issues on others by tearing them down, but in my experience men are no different. Whether they admit too it or not, they too can criticize and judge. Since when has that been a female only characteristic?
Ok, yes I have read too much into this. It was meant to be a post to spread positivity. To encourage women to connect, and to encourage them to recognize their own beauty and that of others, but there was zero need to include that sentence in particular. In fact, I think that the word ‘women’ should be replaced with ‘people’. And yes, I realise that the post is about women, and is only meant to be shared by women, but I don’t think that excuses the way this sentence is phrased. In my experience of the women I truly care about in my life, and in others whom I have had the fortune of crossing paths with once or twice, we are very good at building each other up. Maybe I have simply met all of the positive and friendly women in the world, but the odds of me having done that is next to none.

I will admit that there are some who I have met who have fed into the stereotype perpetuated by reality television, and sometimes even romantic comedies, that women are mortal enemies of one another and will tear each other down at any moment. So they keep their guards up of strike first in order to show superiority. But that is only a minute few. When we feed into these ideas, however, we continue this abhorrent cycle of allowing young women to feel that they can’t relate to other women and that guys make better friends because women are constantly starting drama or feed off drama, like sadistic black widow spiders.

This is not my experience. For years I thought it was true because of incidents of bullying in school, and teen films which depict girls conglomerating in cliques who share a common interest and bitching about others. In fact, I attempted to steer clear of maintaining close friendships with too many girls for years because of it. But there are some things that you just can’t talk about with guys, and you need those close female friendships for support through those times. These women in our lives our utterly vital, and it breaks my heart when I hear women, either of my close acquaintance or on television or social media, saying that they won’t be friends with other women because they start drama. My female friends are fiercely loyal and would never just start drama for the fun of it. If that is your experience with other women, then I am very sorry. But don’t project those issues onto other women before you know them.

I would like to share with you some experiences I have had with my female friends, without giving you their names, because I agree with the sentiment of the post that all women are beautiful, but not just because of their physical appearance, but because of their personalities and the way in which they express love and gratitude towards one another. These women are different ages, different political opinions, have differing sexual orientations, and have completely different backgrounds; different countries, different ethnicities, different first languages, different religious upbringings. And that is the complete beauty of them. They are all so different, yet they have so much in common and choose to be friends with me. The complete loser who wrote this post because she took issue with one word.

1. *some women would find this embarrassing, but I don’t care who reads this story in particular. But you may skip over it if necessary.* When I was thirteen I got my first period at school and didn’t know what to do about it. It wasn’t because I didn’t know what it was, or because I wasn’t prepared for it. It was because my mum wasn’t around, as my grandfather had had a heart attack and was in hospital, so she was looking after my nan. (He is fine now.) I contacted my mum, and she contacted a woman from my church, who was incredibly understanding. She bought me everything I needed and made me feel comfortable and less anxious. I didn’t feel ashamed at all about what was happening, because of her reassurance. It’s because of her that I am not ashamed of it, and am now writing about my experience in this post. You are all welcome.
2. When I was sixteen I was dealing with a close friend who was incredibly suicidal whilst studying for my first year of A levels. I really struggled because I felt like no one was there for me, and I started to have those thoughts myself. I eventually went to a female youth leader who listened to me, and let me cry in front of her, before sharing with me a similar experience she had had with a friend. We both cried about it together, and then she encouraged the other girls in my youth group to be there for me and support me without betraying my confidence.
3. When I was nineteen I met multiple amazing women, some of whom I am now lucky enough to call my closest friends (or even best friends) at university and initiated strong friendships that I hadn’t had since my mid-teens. They helped me through some difficult periods in which I discovered multiple things about myself that I didn’t already know. We bonded over adversity, but ultimately our friendship is based on humour and light heartedness, because the world needs more laughter. They helped me to grow and to become the woman I am today.
4. When I was twenty I went through a really dark period in which I wasn’t sure what I believed any more and had a real crisis of self for the first time ever. I shared this with one female friend in particular, because I was ashamed to tell everyone else. She journeyed with me through it and was constantly checking in on me. She was amazing because she didn’t judge me for it like I had feared and was there for me not out of duty but because she cared for me. She helped me to mend not only myself but also the fractured friendships I had with those I had been pushing away.
5. When I was twenty one I became friends with a woman who shared my creative vision. She encouraged me to continue being creative and inspired me through her own creativity to try new things and to not be constrained by type. She also continued to encourage me to not take myself too seriously and to talk more openly with others about my thoughts or feelings, even if she didn’t do so through words.
6. Again, when I was twenty one, I met a girl from another country who I had an instant unexplainable bond with. She is the kind of friend who I know I could not talk to for years and then pick up exactly where we left off. It was one of the first friendships I had in a long time which grew up around fun things and not out of forced proximity. We shared our dreams for the future and cultivated a friendship which I hope endures for a long time. She taught me that even if we are culturally different, we can still share a lot in common.

When I was twenty two, me and my housemates experienced some really hard times. What I learnt from it was the beauty in female friendships and how we can rally around one another during times of physical and mental distress. Seeing the way in which we helped to carry one another and shoulder each other’s burdens, and share advice was truly one of the most character forming parts of my life, even if it was a horrible time that I hope won’t repeat itself. Seeing just how much we cared for one another was truly amazing, and the fact that our friends further afield were with us in spirit and supporting us was also utterly incredible.

During this time, I had the fortune to know some other women who were there for me and listened to everything I had to say to them about what I was experiencing. They spent time with me so that I could have a distraction and they supported me, even though I didn’t know them as well as I knew my other friends. They were so supportive and made me feel so included in their friendship group that I could truly appreciate the diversity of women and the vastness of our support networks.

These are just some fragments of my life story so far which showcase just how amazing women are. In fact, some of the most important women in my life don’t even feature. There are so many people that I could mention, but it would take an autobiography to list every circumstance in detail, and I don’t think you want to read that.

The whole point of this blog is to showcase that women are all uniquely beautiful in more ways than one, and that the bonds we make with other women have the power to be a force for good. We do encourage one another. We do support one another. We laugh together. We cry together. But it isn’t our natural default to criticize. It isn’t something that is hardwired into us. If I am honest, I criticize myself before I criticize others. And I don’t think that being a good judge of character is necessarily wrong, or that sharing criticism is either. Sometimes we need our friends to tell us we need to change our attitude, or to be honest and say that the outfit we have chosen to wear to a wedding looks awful. It’s not necessarily a negative. Because the base of our friendships aren’t around disparaging others, but around wanting to see each other happy and fulfilled.

So, yeah. Rant over. You can call me a raging feminist or whatever if you want. In fact go ahead. Because women rock! It’s not that I wouldn’t say the same about men. In fact some of the male friends I have are equally as important in forming my character. It’s just that my female friends have taught me a lot more.

But I do want to end with this point. There are multiple clichéd, and outdated, sayings about how behind every great man is a woman. But I believe that behind every great woman is a lot of other great women. Women who have helped her come through adversity and achieve things she could only dream of. Women who have taught her things about herself that she couldn’t figure out on her own. And to those great women I wish to say…

Thank You.

I have found social media in these times to be both a blessing and a curse. A positive post is followed by a negative news story. But this isn’t the only reason it is both a blessing and a curse, because sometimes even a positive post can turn into a negative if you stare at it for long enough. The reason for this, I find, is the fact that my brain will look at a post and think ‘well, you couldn’t do that’.

In day to day normal life I often struggle to not compare myself to others. It something that, if you know me well, you will know I do all the time. In the last year, in fact, I have often been asked if I am comparing myself to others, and told that I should not do that. Each time I have lied and said that I haven’t, but I honestly think it is something that has become hardwired into my brain. As beings who by nature thrive off interaction and relationship with one another it is no wonder that we end up spotting others strengths and talents. Therefore we often squander our own and forget that we are unique to others, so why should we strive to be more like one another?

To add to the headache, multiple forms of media portray the most ‘desirable’ person, a kind of default stereotype to live up to. But this ideal of perfection is more like a Sim who has had every skill maxed out. A Sim who has been edited to remove all of the ‘bad’ qualities. Someone who is completely flawless is not human, especially because this imaginary checklist is constructed by our own flawed human minds. Therefore, when we open a magazine and see someone who appears flawless in every way, or open our social media accounts and see a friend who is achieving everything and doing incredible things, we have to remind ourselves that they are flawed too. That they have things going on in their lives that are awful. That they are only showing us the good things in their lives because that is the stuff that sells. That they are editing themselves.

In recent days, I have found myself posting more on social media and using social media more, merely because circumstances demand it in order to keep in contact with those I care about. But this comes with the hazard of constant comparison. To open your social media and see others coping better than you are is a struggle normally, but it is even worse during the current crisis. For some, they use others success to motivate themselves. But I have always found the opposite to be true. Just occasionally you want to read a redemptive post about how someone has been in a really dark place and come out the other end, or you want to be personally encouraged by people to continue working hard and motivating yourself.

It’s the self-discipline that I have found the hardest. When you can’t work from home and you have no goals to meet, then what are you meant to do with your day? How do you fill your time productively so that you don’t binge watch the entire Netflix back catalogue? It’s hard to adjust to a new routine, but to create an entire new one to fit around these difficult circumstances is really hard. This just gets even harder with the additional anxiety of seeing others doing so well.

So how can we ensure that we fill our time effectively and also ensure that we do not compare ourselves to others? Firstly I think it is important to remember that some people will cope better without interaction by nature. Those who are more introverted, or who already lead a less social lifestyle, are probably not struggling as much as the rest of us. Secondly, I think it is important to remember to encourage those we care about to continue with what they are good at. This is what I have found to be true over the last few days, after being in touch with some friends. They have used our conversations to encourage me to continue with my blogs, and to continue posting uplifting things because it is encouraging and inspiring them. This has made me feel better about myself and has encouraged me to dedicate my time to doing these things.

Finally, we can use this time effectively to learn new skills or improve upon things we already know how to do. Recently I saw that a friend was using her time to learn a new language, and this encouraged me to take up a new skill myself. So, through YouTube, I have begun to teach myself guitar, for about twenty minutes a day. Through small achievements each day I have felt happier and it has made me feel that I am doing something worthwhile with my time. Learning is always a good way to keep your mind active and to make you feel happier.

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The first week of lockdown was tough for all of us simply because we had to get used to a new day to day. I have found the second week tough because seeing other people doing better than me has made me feel equal parts jealous and disappointed in myself. But we shouldn’t feel this way, as we are all different. So I will be starting a new repetitive routine until this is over. I will be getting up in the morning and going for a walk. As I can testify to from multiple years at University, staying in bed all day is never the answer unless you are actually sick. I will also be continuing with my blogs, learning guitar, and continuing to post daily creative things on my social media (some of which I have included in this post.) I will be replacing my old habits with positive new ones.

We are faced with a situation which we have never faced before. On TV the other day they were talking about our current situation in comparison to WWII. When rationing was brought in and children were separated from families and young men were called up, the UK government feared that we would come out the other end of the war less healthy than when we entered it. But the opposite was true. As a nation we were healthier because we were eating a more balanced diet, and people came out the other side with skills they possibly would never have learnt. Now we are faced with the same opportunity as a nation. We can grow closer in spirit and become healthier. We can change our old ways around.

I want to encourage you to join in my journey. I will be trying to meet small daily goals to stop myself from going stir crazy, and trying to get out of the habit of comparing myself to others. But I would also love to hear how you are finding everything, and to encourage you to find some small goals for yourself every day. Let’s thrive in this time rather than simply surviving. Let’s set ourselves small targets rather than astronomically huge ones.

Because Gurl, you can do it!

This is the fourth day that the UK has been on lockdown, yet it feels like is has been an eternity already. I guess it is some comfort to know that a quarter of the world’s population is also under lockdown, but if anything that doesn’t do much to ease the passage of time.
Like many other people I have been spending my time doing things I set aside for a rainy day, finishing craft projects, doing some painting, reading some books. And, like many others, I have spent some time cleaning and sorting my room. I got rid of four bin bags worth of rubbish and also a lot of recycling, and that was before I put stuff to the side for charity. Through the process I realised that I have held onto and hoarded a lot of useless things over the years. From clothes I will never wear again to jewellery that is far to small to go around my wrists. There was just an exorbitant amount of stuff in my room that I no longer needed. It was like I had put everything aside to one day make some kind of nest for myself. Maybe I pictured myself like Smaug in the Hobbit, surrounded by years’ worth of hoarded treasure; except my treasure was old ticket stubs. And I also didn’t kill loads of people to steal any of it.
What it made me realise was how materialistic I have become over the years, and how selfish I have been with my possessions. The reason for my selfishness was the worry that perhaps one day I will need it. Perhaps someday I will need that dress that is too small for me, or the box full of unused craft supplies. But keeping them for myself didn’t bring me joy or comfort. Instead it brought me more anxiety.
This epiphany has been building up for a few days, and was also brought on by my first venture outside after self-isolation. As I stood in the back garden, I noticed something bizarre I has never encountered before. A serene stillness. It wasn’t silent so much, but I could hear nothing manmade. There were no cars in the distance or trains, and there were no planes in the sky. The only sounds I could hear were those of nature; the birds in the trees, the wind blowing through the plants, and the first bumblebees beginning to collect nectar. It reminded me of Matthew 6:25-34, in which Jesus teaches not to worry about material possessions and what we eat and drink. Verse 34 finishes the passage saying:
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
This teaching is particularly poignant in these times, when we see panic buying and ‘doomsday prepping’ clearing the supermarkets of food, and everyone clamouring to order groceries for delivery. So much so that the vulnerable in our communities are struggling to get by. So what has driven us to buy out all stocks of food? Is it intense greed and selfishness? Have we been inside our own spaces so long that we have forgotten about the existence of other humans? No. I believe it is intense anxiety and uncertainty about what is to come. But if we live our lives by anxiety we will end up drowning in that anxiety, and amongst all of the food and possessions we have stockpiled. We should remember that others are also anxious, and that perhaps they don’t have the luxury of going shopping daily. Hoarding things won’t prolong your life, it will just add fuel to any worry you already have. This crisis will end, but we must attempt to live from a place of gratitude and peace, and not a place of anxiety.
When I think back to stepping out into the garden a few days ago, I am struck by how nature continued as it would. The birds and bees continue to behave normally. I can’t imagine what would happen if this virus was infecting them too. Perhaps some Alfred Hitchcock like nightmare. But, amongst our anxiety, sometimes we need to pause and appreciate the world around us. We have time now to ourselves, but we shouldn’t be driven to loneliness and anxiety. Use this time to evaluate your way of life and to be still. It may be difficult in a time of turbulence, but it is one thing we can all learn to be better at.

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To end, I have one final thought I gleaned from my room tidying. Amongst all the hoarded items, I also found notes and letters I had held onto from friends, some of which had been given to me as encouragement through some difficult passages in my life. It reminded me how appreciated and loved I am by others, and how I am not alone. For if my friends stood with me through those periods of my life, they are surely standing with me in spirit now, as I am standing with them. We may be far apart from one another, but we can most definitely still be there for each other. To those people, and to everyone else in my life who has helped me through trouble, I say thank you. Your compassion is still reverberating through my life today. And in this time of turmoil, solidarity is our most important weapon, not anxiety.