Day 5

This is my fifth day in isolation, my second with my family. On Friday night I developed a cough, muscle fatigue and a slight fever. On Monday night, following the announcements made by Boris Johnson, my family also went into isolation with me. Because of all of these measures, we will not be leaving isolation for another nine days at least. The only reasons anyone in my family has left the house since Monday evening has been to walk the dog, and to rescue my sister from University, as she was facing weeks alone in a house with no way of getting back. (Honestly, I can’t imagine what it is like for my student friends who have faced an abrupt end to their final year. A time when they should be celebrating, not a time of uncertainty. My thoughts and prayers go out to you all.)
The last few days have been an interesting experience. I was naïve in thinking self-isolation would be easy, because I was used to being on my own for most of the day anyway. But I think I took social interaction for granted before. And being stuck in a room 24/7 is not as ideal as it sounds, even if it is your own space. I felt a bit like Rapunzel, sitting up in my tower watching everyone outside going about their daily lives. Longing to call down for rescue, but knowing they would not be willing to help. The only thing that really got me through was my family. They ensured I was ok, brought me what I needed. It somehow felt normal. Now, however, we are all stuck in this together.
I have to admit that there was a pang of guilt when my family had to isolate with me. Seeing them stress over cancelling plans and work was horrible. But I think you get over that feeling when you realise that wallowing in unnecessary guilt is not going to help you when you live in close proximity with people for an extended period.
One of the main blessings I think I have taken for granted is the connectivity social media can bring. Whilst I was in isolation, every five minutes I would get a notification about some new measures brought in, some new terrifying statistics, some other celebrity diagnosis. But turning to Facebook and Instagram no longer filled me with dread. When I scrolled through my feeds, all I seemed to come across was funny posts which lightened my spirits, or offers of help from people of all walks of life. It showed me the power of social media as a force for good. Not a place where people of differing views berate each other, or a sounding board for negativity. The base of humanity has now seemingly returned to love and compassion. I find it fascinating how in times of trouble and distress, we start to view each other in this way. Yet in times of normality we do not offer the same. We keep to ourselves. If we learn anything from this experience, it should be to rediscover our community spirit.
Another thing I realised was how lucky I was to be able to open these apps and ask for help within seconds. Whereas those with lack of internet or understanding of social media do not have this luxury. The people we need to reach out to most are the elderly in our communities and the impoverished. Because the evil of this virus isn’t the illness it causes but the loneliness that comes alongside the measures used to contain its spread. Our souls need food in these times as much as our bodies. If there is a time to breach generational gaps, that time is now.
As I sit here and cough through the writing of this post, I would like to say that this isn’t a time for panic but for calm. We should use this time wisely. Instead of binge watching Netflix, or any other streaming service, we should use some of our time to speak to those over the phone who are vulnerable. Show them we care, and we are there, no matter their political persuasion or religious views. It’s a time for coming together, not mass hysteria. When we look back at this moment, let’s make it something to be proud of. Not a time of darkness, but when darkness was overcome by light and hope. We have got through these moments before. We can overcome them again.

It’s time for me to re-emerge from my self-induced absence. Hello there reader. I have returned. It’s been over a year since I have posted anything, and it is safe to say I am pretty ashamed of myself. It isn’t that I haven’t had ideas for posts. I have had tons. But I haven’t been confident enough to post in a while, and my life has seemingly been taken up by nothing. Has that ever happened to you before? A period of time in which nothing is happening and yet everything is at the same time. I am sure I am not the only one, or maybe I am just a rambling and crazed lunatic.

Sure, I was busy for some time. I was busy worrying about friends who were struggling and busy trying to help them through some dark places. I was busy attempting to complete a Masters at the same time whilst also struggling myself. I was busy trying to juggle everything and everyone, and I slowly saw every passion in my life slip out of view. So, when it finally came time to move back home, I isolated myself. Because hermits don’t have issues, right? I took the wrong lesson from Elijah. I went into the wilderness because I wanted to be alone. Somehow, even though I managed to do everything I wanted to do, I still felt like I had achieved nothing. Once my journey at Uni came to an end I started to shut myself off from everything to do with it.

This isn’t a new tactic of mine. I have done it countless times before. But what was different this time was that the new chapter of my life wasn’t bright and sparkling. If there was to be newness I had to seek it myself off the back of everything I had previously done, and I didn’t want to do that. It was so much easier to just slip back into old habits that I seemingly rejected all the growth I had gone through. And that, my friends, is the stupidest thing you can do. When you have been fighting to accept yourself and help others to accept themselves, you shouldn’t back track from it. Falling backwards is something I deeply regret.

To see people I love and care for from Uni now is always hard. And it isn’t because I compare myself to their successes. It’s that when they ask me the inevitable ‘What has been going on with you?’ I have no new answer, no matter how long it has been since I have seen them. I have done seemingly nothing with my time, yet I still can’t find time for anything I love. And that is not a good position to be in, but I know that I am not alone. It’s all about my mentality. Because there isn’t any actual reason for it.

In 1 Kings 19, a story which I always return to, Elijah has just done the most incredible thing by proving the power of his God. Yet, immediately after the fact, he runs away into the wilderness and gives himself up to death. When, in a cave:

‘A great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.’ (1 Kings 19: 11-12)

It is in that whisper that Elijah heard God. I am not claiming that I have heard any audible voice from God in my wilderness time. Indeed, I am not even attempting to equate myself to Elijah. But I understand his circumstance. After we complete our aspirations we often feel a sense of emptiness. Because when we seek material aspirations, whether it be earning tons of cash, or simply being able to put extra letters after our name, we never actually gain any sense of completeness. The only time I have ever felt content is when I am being myself, and have been with those I care about. And I lost sight of that. We often pressure ourselves to move on to the next big thing, and for me, right now, that is finding a career and also finding relationship. But what if I don’t need that or want it immediately?

I am content with where I am, and I want to rediscover all those things I am passionate about that make me me, and hold on to those friendships which are so important to me that I have neglected. Sure, I will continue looking for the more permanent goals in life, but they aren’t the things my existence is soully based upon. I want to live life out of love, not out of necessity. I want to become independent in my own time and by my own means. I want to apply for things I am interested in and not just for any opportunity that is open. I want to be myself, not some boring clone of a socially accepted stereotypical twenty something. We shouldn’t live our lives like that. Sure I want those things for myself, but I want them to come around when I am ready, and I want them to be the right things for that moment.

So this is me back from the wilderness. Searching for my passions. Searching for the future. Reaching back out to those I have neglected. Being more myself. As a catalyst for this, I aim to blog more regularly, both here and on my new blog ‘Shelf Confidence’, where I aim to read more. I want to be an open page. I want to write a new chapter for my life which I hope will be more uplifting, and not some Thomas Hardy-esque darkness. (Although his books are a favourite of mine.) It’s time to live in the light once more. Because gurl…

YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP BEING YOU.

Dear Stranger,

I see you. Every day. I have studied your face multiple times and yet you are still far off to me. Your elusiveness may make you seem aloof, but what you fear is being known. You fear the thought of someone knowing you, because you fear that they will know, as you do, that you are an imposter. That people don’t truly care for you because you are not worthy of being cared for. That you’re a liar. A slanderer. Your aggressive. Your overly violent. Your every Disney villain rolled into one. Well honey, none of that is true. I see it in your face.
You see, you have the face of someone in a hurry. You have the face of a ‘don’t look at me, I just got out of bed after sleeping ten hours’ kind of person. You think your hideous, but I see past the mirror. I see the slight heterochromia in your eyes. Those eyes you use to project compassion, but that will never project compassion upon yourself. Those eyes that make you see people in the best light, but will not allow you to stand or seek in the best light. Those eyes that can search a soul and know it in seconds, yet refuse to search your own. Those eyes that see beauty in everything, except in your own reflection. I see everything in those eyes.
I see your dimples when you smile. As much as you wish you didn’t you smile a lot. And you laugh a lot too. You spread joy in that smile. In those dimples. In that laugh. You affirm others identity. You make them think they’re funny when they’re not, and make them laugh when they are sad. If you could have it your way, the world would be full of laughter and not tears. Yet here you are crying to me. You feel you can’t even live up to your own words. But I see you struggling. Fearing that you laugh too much or at the wrong time. Fearing that people are sick of your nonsense. Fearing that you will never live up to their standards. Not true. Joy can sometimes be sickening. But it is never not called for. To joke and to be serious are not mutually exclusive, so don’t excuse your joking. Smile in the face of adversity. Maybe it won’t smile back or change anything, but what use is it worrying. Worry never solved anything.
I see your heart. If you wore it on your sleeve, your sleeve would be stained red. Your heart bleeds for everything. You hate seeing people hurting. If you could substitute yourself for them, you would. If you could heal every wound, whether deep, superficial, emotional, spiritual, or mental, you would. If you could feed everyone, you would. If you could do even one small thing to help, you would. But you are not super human. You can’t do everything. And trying to will get you nowhere. Besides, there is that real crippling fear of yours that none of it will be reciprocated. That you will never know what it is to be loved in this way. That you are an expendable friend. That in all of your friendships you are a loser, an outcast, and a stowaway. That no one truly wants to spend time with you or to be with you. That you’re a means to an ends. That you are nothing. Snap out of it. You are none of those things. So, you have lost friendships. Everyone has. Friendships are an infinite tug of war against hardship. If you get up and leave without notice, or are injured, or try to do it alone, you will be beaten. Friendships are there to lighten the load. Sure, it’s a struggle. And sure, you overly compare yourself to others and want to be there for everyone, but that will not help you win. Your all fighting the same enemy. Don’t make yourself another enemy. Your friends care. You are not nothing to them.
I see you, stranger, and your strive for selflessness. But if we are honest with ourselves, how can we be truly selfless without acknowledging the self. If we must love our neighbour as ourselves we must first love ourselves. And I see all your faults and your doubts and I love you. How can we continue loving people if we don’t love each other. I see me and I love me. I am that side of you that shows love, stranger. You may not want me to love you, but we are in this fight together, you and I. I am here to lift me up. Because you are me and I am you. Our outward show of love must echo our inward love. When we look in the mirror, we must smile at each other. We are not separate but one. You see stranger, I love you, because I am the stranger. Now let me care for you.
Yours, in love,
Yourself.

SO. New Year is here. The time of change. The time of year in which the world makes the ultimate excuse to radically change their lifestyle. Want a new you? Why don’t you start a new diet, break a bad habit, give something up, take up exercise, read more books, learn an instrument, learn another language, make a bucket list, take up a new hobby. These, and many more, are the things that we come to expect of new years resolutions. But what is it that makes us choose to do these things now? Sure, it’s a new year, but newness isn’t fixed. If we are honest with ourselves, when that clock strikes midnight not much has changed. Really, it’s just like any other day. Any other midnight. It’s just that the number of years has changed by one. Maybe we congratulate ourselves that we have made another year. It’s a victory of sorts. And so, to congratulate ourselves on one year ending we look to improve our next year.
But will these things make us better people? Sure, they may make us slightly different, if we stick to them. In a Guardian article from 2015 63% of adults in the UK admitted that they had failed to keep New Years resolutions, and 66% of these admitted to doing so within a month.
So why do we bother? Is it just our over indulgences at Christmas, or is it more than that? I believe it is more. Fundamentally we are insecure about who we truly are, and we constantly seek both gratification and to improve what we see as our own brokenness. But is this achievable? Or is it that our brokenness is innate? Can we truly better ourselves?
In my opinion I think it depends on your goals and your motives behind them. Why are you setting your goal? How do you hope to feel if you achieve it? Is it likely that you will truly feel this way?
I am not trying to discourage you. If you are truly disciplined and determined, then I give you my best. But if you are doing so because in some deep part of you you believe that you are inadequate, then I am here to tell you that that isn’t true. You are enough. You don’t need to lose weight or get healthier or better yourself.
As a Christian, it is unnecessary. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says ‘Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!’. What does this mean this new year? Well, it means you do not need to better yourself. The Bible is very clear that the things of this earth will not last, and that includes our bodies. Instead, we should focus on how we relate to each other. Jesus teaches us to love one another. In Luke 10: 25-28:
‘And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How do you read it?” And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbour as yourself.” And he said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.”
At the risk of sounding like John Lennon, if we truly wish to better ourselves and our society, we should learn to love. And not in the traditional sense. Let’s find love everywhere. Let’s give love not only where its due, but also where it is needed. Let’s try and live out the life Christ planned for us. Let’s live with understanding. Don’t be angry when someone has a different political or philosophical view. Let’s live out a life of understanding and mercy. Let’s resolve to be better by loving not only others, but also ourselves. If we are to love our neighbour as ourselves, let’s love ourselves more. Let’s not set resolutions which undermine who we are or make us feel worse about ourselves. Because gurl…
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

Disclaimer: For those who are worried, this is not a blog in which I will be discussing flatulence, although it will play into it. In this blog I want to discuss views about gender. The fart was mainly to grab your attention. Because who doesn’t react when someone farts.

Recently I have been hearing a lot of women saying that they don’t fart, or burp. After pondering on why this might be, I reminded myself of times when I was a child when I was told that it was disgusting. I am not denying it isn’t. Nothing about farting is pleasant to those around you, and sometimes it isn’t even pleasant for you. But what I remember hearing as a child is that girls don’t fart, that women shouldn’t fart, and that it is unladylike. These are views that have not just been spoken over me as a child but also as an adult by friends. As an adult, this view annoys me because it begins to limit not only how young girls view themselves, but also tells them that they must live up to a mythic ideal; a figurative, goddess-like lady. There are so many things we are told are un-ladylike; sitting with our legs apart, swearing and cussing, taking strides which are too wide or too long, having too little hair on your head, having too much hair on your body, being too thin, being too curvy, smelling of body odour, wearing too much make-up, wearing too little make-up, etc.

There are probably other things that you are aware of as being ‘unladylike’, and I am also aware that this is not an exclusively female problem. Boys are also told to be ‘manly’ and behave as ‘gentlemen’; they should care for their appearance but not too much, they should restrain from ‘acting like girls’ and showing emotion, they should aim to be strong, they cannot be overly compassionate, etc. This long list of fictional ideals is convoluted and contradictory and result in an image of the perfect woman, man, or ‘lady’, or ‘gentleman’, which is an impossibility to achieve.

These god-like figures are an image of perfection which is of our own making. By attempting to live up to this list we limit ourselves and the possibilities of what we become, and we supress our true selves. By focussing on the bodily image and the way we act we ignore the things that are truly important; our inner beauty. What should matter to us are the things we enjoy doing and the people we enjoy doing those things with, and the areas of our personality which define us and make us unique individuals. Instead we wrap ourselves up within gender identity and gender norms, even though we profess to be moving away from those ideals.

But let’s get back to the source of my frustration and move away from the gender argument here. Yes, let’s return to farting. I think everyone agrees that it is disgusting. But I argue that by shaming our children into thinking it is unladylike or that they should be embarrassed we encourage insecurity within them. Farting is gross, but it is also an essential bodily function. In order to be secure within ourselves, we must embrace our grossness, our imperfections and our broken parts, and by extension, our farts (or whatever shameful thing we dislike about our body.) There are so many things in the past which women have been shamed for (for instance, menstruation) and which men have been ashamed of, but we should not feel the need to continue this archaic tradition.

This may seem like a jump, but I assure you it is not. Isaiah 55 speaks of the compassion of the Lord; that he satisfies hunger and thirst, that he heals the broken. He commands the Israelites to ‘incline their ear’ to him; ‘seek the Lord while he may be found’. ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.’
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+55&version=ESV

Isaiah 55 speaks of grace; the grace of God to heal and forgive our sins. In my ESV study bible it explains that we are often tempted to seek to cleanse ourselves before we come before God. That we must be perfect and blameless, like the sacrificial animals described in Levitical law. But this is not necessary, because we are not our own sacrifice. As Christians we believe that God has fulfilled our need to be cleansed through Christ, as it says in Hebrews 10:14:
“For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.”

To sum up my rather weird ramble based around flatulence I wish to say that as Christians we should not be living in shame or forcing ourselves to live up to ridiculous ideals. As far as I am aware (and correct me if I am wrong) at no point in the bible is it said that women shouldn’t fart. We are given laws about how to conduct ourselves, but Christ being the fulfillment of the law has condemned sin. (Romans 8:1-4) Sure, there are ideals that Christ calls us to live up to, which perhaps I can go over some other time. But at no point do these gender stereotypes feature or ideals feature. These are societal constructs.

So as Christians, and non-Christians, what should we do to begin to free ourselves from these nonsensical rules?

Well I would argue that we shouldn’t live in shame of our true nature, whether that be bodily, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. Nothing about you negates your character or whether you are human and fit into society. Nobody should be telling you what you can and can’t do or structuring you to fit in a pre-determined box. In other words, to feel secure in yourself you should remove yourself from the shame of others. Lift yourself up. If that means ignoring the sly comments about how you sit like a man, or dress incorrectly for your ‘gender’ then that’s ok. Acknowledge your flaws, but don’t live in them. Don’t compare yourself to others or attempt to live up to their standards, because who knows, they may be getting it wrong. Shame should not be the rule and law of our society. Shame is not the determinant factor of our existence. Shame should not define us. Because gurl…
YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ASHAMED ABOUT BEING YOU.

This blog has been a pipe-dream of mine for almost a year now, but I never had the courage to write and post anything. I was not overly sure what was holding me back, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to write anything. A friend of mine has been continuously encouraging me saying: “Do it! You have something to say! I believe only good can come out of what you have to say and that you have the ability to spread joy and encourage others.” But for some reason I always found an excuse to not write. There shouldn’t be an excuse, because writing comes so naturally to me. I find it much easier to write about my feelings and thoughts than to express them vocally, so blogging should just be like breathing to me. So, what has been holding me back? Well, I guess it is simple. I was afraid.

On my course we are trained to think, read and write analytically. Further, we are taught that for a text to be read well, it must be separated from its authorship. This is a theory proposed by Roland Barthes in his essay ‘The Death of the Author.’ Barthes argues that once a text is written, it becomes its own being. It is no longer defined by its creator, the author, and therefore cannot be controlled by it. The theory is based in the old literary theories which state that the author pre-exists the text, conceives the text through the formulation of the idea and its writing, and births the text through publication. The older theories further state that the author can also exist concurrently with the text. The text is subject to its author and cannot be separated wholly, which leads to the discussion of the purpose of the author. Barthes theory allows literary critics and theorists to ask these questions of the text. The text is its own autonomous being. The autonomy of the text ultimately spells ‘The Death of the Author.’

This theory, plus many other literary theories which are discussed in my classes, call into question my anxieties as a writer. Namely, how can I write a blog expressing my innermost thoughts and emotions, if by the nature of me publishing it online it gains a life of its own that I no longer control. I give life to all those fears and worries, and those anxieties outlive me. These then gain a sort of free-will, that is a free-will to be interpreted by anybody with the ability to read and use a computer in whatever way they wish. It has an ability to impact them however it pleases. Why would I allow myself to be vulnerable online if that very vulnerability can become a manifest being? No longer is my blog just a representation of myself, but it is also now its own being, made of all my anxieties and everything I see in myself that is wrong. It represents everything about the human condition that I seemingly hate. Like Frankenstein I have created a monster with thoughts, feelings and emotions of its own, but is full of self-hatred, fear and the prospect that all life is pain.

But maybe I am reading too much into this theory (yes, I am!) Maybe my real fear is the fear that either no one will read my blog or care what I have to say. Maybe it is my fear of being misread which drives my fear of not being read at all. All these fears are ultimately based in the deep-rooted anxiety and worry that I have no purpose in my life, and life has no meaning anyway, so what is the point? My worries and anxieties prevent me from stepping into my full potential and embracing my full identity, both the broken parts and the beautiful parts. My fears are so innate to my being that I cannot separate them from myself. By manifesting everything that concerns me, all my fears, I only give them more power. What if I give them so much power over me that I become the literal embodiment of fear itself?

So how do I deal with this? Firstly, I am a Christian. Yes, this is the moment where I go all preachy on you, if I haven’t done so already. But if you don’t believe in God, please don’t stop reading. I am not forcing my faith down your throat, it is just something I care deeply about, so of course if this blog is truly a representation of me, it will become manifest in my blog. So, what does my faith tell me about worrying and fear? Well in Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus says:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Now how do I respond to this? Well firstly, I want to scream “But Jesus, that is all well and good. But how do you know what I am going through? You went around the Middle East preaching and healing, but at the end of the day someone always offered you a meal or somewhere to sleep, because you were famous. For them it was a privilege. Maybe they bragged about it to their neighbours. How they had the great Jesus of Galilee in their house. How can you relate to me? I am a single twenty-two-year-old female student with barely any money to my name. I apply for jobs, but I face constant rejection. I don’t have enough money to buy new clothes. I don’t know if I will have the money to pay for food next year. How can you tell me not to worry?”

After this rant is over, however, I have some clarity. Yes, Jesus was a travelling preacher, but he lived humbly. He was willing to accept charity. He didn’t boast in his fame and gifts or complain in his failings and wants. In modern terms he was a sofa-surfer who would tell stories, parables and give lessons, and then heal the sick. So, is that the model of life that Jesus wishes me to live? The answer is no. Well, partly no. What Jesus is calling us to here is to live without fear and worry, not to forget our needs. To live in the now. To seek God. To live in our current troubles but not to be consumed by them. To live in love and to live humbly. To accept people’s charity. To find community. To find a community willing to journey through our fears with us. To surround ourselves with people who not only encourage us in our talents and the calling of our lives, but also those who are willing to dig in the mud and uproot those things in our lives which hold us back; those fears, those worries. If we live in the now and live out of compassion for others, admit to our fears and live in vulnerability, then worry will cease to be an issue. Not that we will not worry, but that its control on us will begin to dissipate.

So, what can we draw from this? Well as a Christian, I see an essential lesson. Do not allow yourself to be ruled by fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety can only lead you to a place of destruction and darkness. You may feel you are nothing, have nothing and will amount to nothing, but this is not the truth spoken over us by the Bible or by God. So, go out, find a community, whether that is a church or just a community group, who will help you grow, and who you in turn can help grow. Remember you are not alone, and you never will be. There are people all over the world you can call family. If that family is truly following in God’s teaching, then that family is there for you and wants you to prosper, as they wish to seek God’s kingdom without fear of the future. Share with them your fears and anxieties. Sure, vulnerability is painful, but it is better than living in constant fear. Remember that God can shine a light in every darkness. There is never an exception. Not even you. And remember what it says in Philippians 4:6-7:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Do not let anxiety hold you back. Pray, and God will provide what is best for you. This is easier said than done I realise. But sometimes God provides for us in ways we do not expect. It may be through people who love and care about us or through other channels.

If you are not a Christian, well, simply, do not live in fear of tomorrow, if that could ever be simple. Find yourself a community. Invest in those people. So much of our modern lives are wrapped up in our own gratification that there is no wonder that people die of loneliness, stress and anxiety. Find a group to love on that will love on you. Live in community. Be open in your anxieties. Be encouraged in your talents.

Essentially, what I am saying to myself here is the time is NOW! Post this blog. Take the leap. Live out your gifting. Hear what your community has been telling you for almost a year. You are gifted. Don’t let fear of ridicule control you, or fear of your studies becoming true and transforming your words to something awful, or the worry of provision consume you to the point where all your time is used up and wasted. Live out your life in the freedom you are called to. Because if you are crippled by the worries of the flesh or the fear of ridicule, then how can you possibly achieve anything and live a fruitful life?

I am saying to you, and to myself, today that I believe in you. Worry does not control you. You are precious. You are loved. You are talented. You can achieve. You may not have everything but grasp on to what you have and relish in it. Because gurl…

YOU ARE MORE THAN FEAR.